BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT! 7:30pm Wednesday 18 July 2012, inside the Phoenix Pub

BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT! @ The Phoenix 730PM Wednesday 16 May 2012

THIS IS THE BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT! MAY 2012 SPECIAL EDITION INVITATION

That means, prizes, yes, prizes, for poetry, special prizes for poetry

And The Batman

Because we want you onstage with your 2 minutes, your original material, and your no props

ALL SO YOU CAN WIN AT LEAST ONE OF OUR THREE, FOUR, MAYBE FIVE FIRST PRIZES

You are The Batman

Now in the interests of keeping this succinct this invitation will tell you about prizes

Yes, prizes, if you win we won’t send you to perform for some totalitarian regime, but that’s okay

Be The Batman

No, instead we give you special prizes, maybe things from SOMEONE’S BACKYARD, maybe things broken in IMPACT COMICS, maybe things no person wants to buy in MIND GAMES, maybe something free that they can’t sell at SMITHS ALTERNATIVE BOOKSHOP, and maybe a tasty bbq’ed thing from GORMAN HOUSE MARKETS, who knows?

BUT IT IS ALL ABOUT NOT COMPROMISING YOU

Just ask The Batman

So typically these invitations are verbose, extended, drawn out and non-sensible or nonsensical, but because this month is a very special month the invite is not any of those things, no

The Batman

Being not that, it, this invitation, is now going to tell you about the feature acts

This month we have two feature acts, YES TWO

Not The Batman.

We have the SONGTRON 8000

“SONGTRON 8000 appears as the Emperor SONGTRON 8000 in Remembrance of the SONGTRON 8000s, with his white and gold SONGTRON 8000s now based on Skaro and termed "Imperial SONGTRON 8000s", fighting against the grey "Renegade SONGTRON 8000" faction. By this time, SONGTRON 8000 has been physically transplanted into a customised SONGTRON 8000 casing. Both Skaro and the Imperial SONGTRON 8000 mothership are apparently destroyed when the Seventh Doctor tricks SONGTRON 8000 into using the Time Lord artefact known as the Hand of Omega. However, a SONGTRON 8000 on the bridge of SONGTRON 8000's ship reports that the Emperor's escape pod is being launched and a white light is seen speeding away from the ship moments before its destruction, leaving a clear route to bring SONGTRON 8000 back in the future.”

AND WE HAVE.

She is the Batman

But not to be outdone by bringing the age old enemy of the Doctor to BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT!

We also have ARCHIE (aka Robin Archbold)

“Robin Archbold has been variously described as electrifying, heartbreaking, wonderfully romantic, hilarious and inspirational, and is the only performer ever to have won the Woodford Poetry Slam and the Woodford Storytelling Award. Equally at home at outback poets’ breakfasts, late-night burlesque bars in the cities or the main stage at the Sydney Theatre Company, he can entertain and move your mum, or the boffins at the biggest poetry festivals in the country. He’s a multi-slam winner, multi-festival feature performer and workshop presenter extraordinaire. You never know where the ride will take you, and you won’t care.”

YES, that is correct, both ROBIN ARCHBOLD (aka ARCHIE) and the SONGTON 8000

We are The Batman

So join The Master of Conflict, JACINTA, The Score Adder, Andrew Galan and The Sacrificial Poet at the Phoenix for a 730pm signup for your original words with no props or music on stage for two whole minutes to win prizes, prizes, prizes

THIS IS SPECIAL

Listen to The Batman.

BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT! 7:30pm Wednesday 16 May 2012, inside the Phoenix Pub

BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT! @ The Phoenix, 730PM Wednesday 18 April

The 18 April 2012
BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT!
poster

BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT! is a poetry slam.

GREETINGS HUMANS!

Welcome to the BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT! invitation

And you know what that means

IT COULD BE McSLAM TIME

But probably won’t be

That means two minutes, a microphone, a stage, five judges, an audience, The Score Adder, and THE MASTER OF CONFLICT

All so you can perform, listen, ignore or drink to

original material

with no props

McSLAM IT DOWN

Or not

Whatever that means

Now, just so you all know, we at BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT! are not content to provide you with the opportunity to perform, listen, ignore or drink to

WORDS

No

this month we bring you two feature acts too

ONE:

direct from sunny across the border

He is your hometown, my hometown, their hometown

with a split mix-tape

So don’t slop when you eat ‘cause he will be blowing things apart

with some real real voodoo

One Man Bandito

not your fake voodoo

He is

BACON CAKES

!!!

And, because like above we said we have two feature acts

WE HAVE TWO

this is the number two feature act (but not in a pejorative sense):

EDDY BURGER

Eddy Burger is a writer of funny and experimental poetry, spoken word, stories and short plays. He is an anti realist, absurdist and champion of the imagination. His work has been published in journals and CD anthologies, including Unusual Work, Cordite, Meanjin, Going Down Swinging and Voiceprints, and he has had chapbooks published by the Melbourne Poets Union and Small Change Press. Eddy has been a regular feature on the spoken word stage for over 15 years and is a past winner of the Melbourne Fringe Festival Spoken Word Award.

So be at the Phoenix Pub with your original material, your no props, your McSlam happy meal, your two minutes, your audience of faces, your legs flapping, your kung fu in the bedroom moves, your liquorice all-sorts for poetry, for your MCs Andrew Galan and JACINTA, for your chance to drink and listen to EDDY BURGER and BACON CAKES! FOR THE CHANCE TO YELL A NUMBER THAT IS ten or NEGATIVE INFINITY be at BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT!

Really, McSlam time

in the interchange

BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT! @ The Phoenix, 730PM Wednesday 18 April

More words about poetry slam

Interview Part II 

where things get arm wavy between Rosie Stevens of Scissors Paper Pen and Andrew Galan of BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT! for YouAreHere.

BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT! @ The Phoenix, 19:30 Hours Wednesday 14 March

BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT! RETURNS ONE TIME ONLY FOR THE FIRST TIME TO THE SECOND WEDNESDAY OF THE MONTH!

FOR YOU—ARE—HERE!

and that means we want your words in the Phoenix

AND YOU WILL BE THERE BECAUSE WE ARE THE ONLY SLAM THAT PROVIDES YOU WITH

two microphones, five judges, A MASTER OF CONFLICT, an audience, The Score Adder, two MCs, FIVE FIRST PRIZES, and the right to claim the title of

GREATEST SLAMMER OF ALL TIME AND SPACE

WHICH MEANS IF YOU WIN YOU CAN BE POSTERISED AS

TRANS-TIME UNIVERSE CLASS POETRY

and we’ll send you to Goulbourn

on foot

with a carrot

a carrot in flippers

and of course there is

beerslashciderslashwhiskeyslashbourbonslashshantiesslash

slashsomething else

that’s right, ‘cause we know it is all about the titles

and PRIZES

from Impact Comics, Mind Games, the Oxfam Shop (NO CHILDREN OR ANIMALS HARMED), Smiths Alternative Book[store/shop/front organisation]  and The Gorman House Markets.

and drinking

Now, not to get you too excited, but the silver lining of the clouds smashing the Can and Corinbank is that we also have all the prizes that Bad!Slam!No!Biscuit! was going to give away at Corin to give away to the First Prize Winner for Winning in the Can at the Phoenix!

To all potential five of the First Prize Winners for Winning!

YES WINNING!

So be at Bad!Slam!No!Biscuit! whether you think it’s a good idea or not, bring your judging, your words, your hands to clap with, your mouths to flap with, your original material, your two minutes, your no props, and join us to make BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT! YES WE’RE GOING TO MAKE BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT! and stamp it with a bird and tie it in twine and sell it as a zine.

BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT!

BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT! @ The Phoenix, 730PM Wednesday 15 February

As the boggle-eyed girl from season 4 of Whale Wars looks on still not saying anything we create BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT! in February.

MARVEL AT THE SCREEN TIME WITHOUT WORDS!

And bring yourself with your words to

BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT!

because

we give you a stage a microphone an audience five judges

the Score Adder two MCs and

the Master of Conflict

all within easy reach of alcohol so that we can hear your words.

The spectacle

The words

Be speech-eyed

Be boggle-less

In the face of words

And then cheer, heckle or get back to your conversations

about that television/walk/awesome tie

show with the people in it.

YES

Words

BE AT BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT!

BOGGLE!

And this month we bring you direct from distant flooded banks

From the place that curses ‘cause they took our guns

From the land that according to Wikipedia

only has one famous person, Codie Simpson, whoever he is

We bring you the Broken Records Collective

CHEER!

For those who don’t know The Broken Records Collective

THEY TELL MYTHS TO BUS DRIVERS

AND MAKE US ALL LATE FOR WORK.

And have been doing this since 2010.

And they are a SPOKEN WORD COLLECTIVE.

And they have featured at the Woodford Folk Festival, at the Laura Street Festival in Uncle Bill’s Backyard, appeared at the Queensland Poetry Festival 2010, and are regular hosts and performers at Words or Whatever.

They will put a sling shot to the head of poetry

For you

BOGGLE

BUTYRIC ACID

GYOZA

And be at BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT! with your words, your hands, your arms and legs, your voices, your original material to join Jacinta, The Master of Conflict, The Score Adder, Andrew Galan

and

THE BROKEN RECORDS COLLECTIVE!

Remember no props, 2 minutes, no music, and your original material at The Phoenix pub.

BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT! @ The Phoenix, 730PM Wednesday 21 December

Poetry is
the real winner

BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT! IS UPON YOU

AGAIN!

Because it is December and no month is complete

without BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT!

yelling something from the men’s toilet at

the back of the Phoenix

And at people walking past poetry on the way to

the back of the Phoenix

Or back to the bar

Or to a table

BECAUSE THIS MONTH YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO GET

TO THE TOILET

Without poetry

Without climbing over

A mass collection of brass instruments

And poetry

‘Cause this month is BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT!

Mass house band and your poetry mass month

THAT MEANS WE WANT YOUR WORDS ON STAGE

For prizes

For common sense

For sense

For uncommon sense

For mass sense

FOR YOU TO GIVE ANYONE THAT TALKS ABOUT GIVING STUFF

TO THE MASSES A MASS PUNCH IN THEIR MASS FACE

Really, the masses, who talks like that?

PRIZES!

BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT!

With special house band

THE BRASS KNUCKLE BRASS BAND

At BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT!

With Prizes from the Oxfam Shop, IMPACT COMICS, Mind Games,

Smiths Alternative Bookshop or store, and GORMAN HOUSE MARKETS

Be there

Remember YOUR WORDS, no music, no props, original material, 2 minutes, you, a microphone, an audience, five judges, you, two MCs, one Score Adder, and THE MASTER OF CONFLICT AND YOU!

The Phoenix, 730pm sign-up!

BE THERE

YOU BE THERE

BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT!

What can we say?

IT IS BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT! TIME

Which means you get an audience a microphone five judges two MCs a MASTER OF CONFLICT a Score Adder a stage a pub with alcohol two minutes AND THE CHANCE TO IGNORE PUNCTUATION!

FOR PRIZES!

Now in the past BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT! has attempted to subtly woo its audiences

Like a Canadian poet creatively waving arms about while crying

Or a United Statesian poet hitting the same note over and over and over and over and over

Or an Austrian poet in a stupid hat

Or an Australian

BUT THIS TIME WE HAVE THROWN SUBTLETY OUT THE WINDOW:

CYA sub

tle

ty

(SPLATT!)

TO BRING YOU THE LATEST EDITION OF BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT!

Which means prizes

For poetry

PRIZES: FROM IMPACT COMICS MIND GAMES SMITHS ALTERNATIVE BOOKSTORE GORMAN HOUSE MARKETS OXFAM SHOP AND THE SIDE OF THE ROAD TO SOMEWHERE ELSE BUT THAT WE GOT TURNED ABOUT ON.

It is all about the prizes

And we have a feature act:

YOU MAY HAVE READ HER POETRY WHILE YOU SAT ON AN ACTION BUS

You may have heard her at the poetry night that calls itself a slam

YOU MAY HAVE HEARD HER AT BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT! THAT IS A SLAM

Now hear her at BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT! before she goes to the Australian Poetry Slam final, our feature act of poetry on stage:

MIRANDA LELLO

BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT! 730pm at the Phoenix sign-up for words for judging for prizes for yelling sign-up

And remember no props no music original material and two minutes.

BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT! @ The Phoenix, 730PM Wednesday 19 October

THIS IS THE OCTOBER TWENTY-ELEVEN INSTALMENT OF BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT!

And while my car doesn’t fly, in fact it doesn’t even move anymore, and I still have to eat my caramel space food sticks on earth because I am not a billionaire

THIS IS THE FUTURE!

And in this future we give you a microphone, 2 minutes, a Score Adder and Time Keeper, an audience, A MASTER OF CONFLICT, five judges, a stage, and a pub full of beer, whiskey, cider and rye, and two MCs

ALL SO YOU CAN GIVE US YOUR WORDS.

BECAUSE THIS IS A POETRY SLAM, WITH PRIZES!

‘cause glory is not enough this month we have prizes from:

Impact Comics

Mind Games

Smiths Alternative Bookstore

Anything someone gives us to give away and the Master of Conflict does not successfully steal

Whatever we find going cheap outside the fruit and vege shop

And stuff from our newest sponsor, THE OXFAM SHOP!

YES YOU READ CORRECT, INSTEAD OF BUYING THINGS FROM THE OXFAM SHOP SO CHILDREN IN DEVELOPING COUNTRIES CAN GROW CROPS AND GO TO SCHOOL YOU CAN WIN IT

FOR FREE.

Thanks Oxfam Shop.

Now we know it is all about the prizes but stay with us because this month

we bring you a feature act of POETRY

but not just any PERFORMER of POETRY

not just any WORDS of POETRY PERFORMANCE

not just some poet whose mum told him he was special too much or not enough and he believed it

NO

This performer is one of the founders of performance poetry and slam in Australia

He has featured at the Brisbane Writers, Sydney Writers, Byron Bay Writers, Tasmanian Poetry, Broken Hill Poetry, Woodford Folk, and QLD Poetry Festivals

This poet is the unholy ghost of Iggy Pop and Marc Kelly Smith (so what!!)

He has featured at the birthplace of slam, the Green Mill in Chicago, and where one mid-wife of slam hangs-out, the Bowery Poetry Club in New York

This spoken word artist is Ghostboy

And Ghostboy is Spoken Weird.

So be at BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT! 730pm at the Phoenix, sign-up for words, sign-up for judging, sign-up for prizes, sign-up for yelling, sign-up.

And remember no props, no music, original material and 2 minutes.

THIS IS THE FUTURE!

BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT! @ The Phoenix, 1930Hours on Wednesday 17 August

THE ALL NEW BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT! BRINGS YOU WORDS!

and a stage, 2 minutes, a microphone, the Master of Conflict,

an audience, five judges, at least three first prizes and two MCs

And puts all that in a pub with cider, beer, whiskey and all kinds of other alcohol

Why?

So you can drink and perform words and listen to words

and JUDGE or BE JUDGED!

AND WIN!

Now because BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT! is poetry slam

YES THAT’S CORRECT WITHOUT AN “a”

BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT! brings you dance!

Yes that’s correct, dance.      

Because this dancer is described as

“a master class in elegance and poise”

and

“a truly inspiring dancer”

BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT! brings you the fusion bellydance artiste

Fifi Noir

And because mesmerising you with dance is not enough, BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT! also brings you:

Stackhat

Self-described as uber-brutal psychedelic goth-hop OR fucked up music, for fucked up people, Stackhat lists Jeff Buckley(?) as an influence, the question mark meaning yes Jeff Buckley was run-over by a passing overhead speedboat that was playing Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah.

CHOP, CHOP!

730pm sign-up, words start at 8pm, join your host Jacinta, Andrew Galan, the Score Adder and the Master of Conflict at BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT!

No music, no props, original material, 2 minutes, did I forget anything?

BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT! @ The Phoenix, 730PM Wednesday 20 July

BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT! @ The Phoenix, 730PM Wednesday 15 June

BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT!

The Fifth Instalment of the Fourth Quadrilogy of the Eighth Trilogy brings you BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT!

BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT! is a poetry slam.

And as the Queen says,

“Have you been playing a long time?”

And we say “yes”

And she says

“It's all to do with the training: you can do a lot if you're properly trained.”

And we say “Yes!”

Then she says

“Like all the best families, we have our share of eccentricities, of impetuous and wayward youngsters and of family disagreements.”

Then we get bored as she rabbits on some more and we all fall asleep.

BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT!

HAS TWO MICROPHONES, AN AUDIENCE, FIVE JUDGES, THE MASTER OF CONFLICT, A SOUND SYSTEM, AN AUDIENCE, 2 MINUTES, AND MORE AUDIENCE, ALL FOR YOU TO GIVE US YOUR WORDS FOR PRIZES, YES ALL FOR YOU! FOR PRIZES!!

So bring your words, your dramatically choreographed hand movements, your hats and waist coats, your minority reports and thigh high boots, as well as your Duke of Edinburgh to BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT!

This month because having the Queen is not enough we bring you

AVATRON

YES AVATRON

According to AVATRON Avatron were discovered on a swamp planet and they are recovering.

WHATEVER YOU DO DO NOT LISTEN TO THE LAST TRACK CALLED “UNLISTENABLE” it is not unlistenable but you will regret listening.

Confused? Us too, if you listen to Paul they were all on drugs, George says they just had a cigarette, but he’s dead and someone will no doubt try and make you listen to all their albums in order as some kind of educational process that they think you need but didn't ask for, well I went to school so shut-up Grandpa.

JOIN YOUR HOSTS JACINTA, ANDREW GALAN, THE MASTER OF CONFLICT AND GUEST JUDGE SELECTOR SCORER ADDER AND REMEMBERERERER OF IMPORTANT THINGS BELA FARKAS FOR BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT!!

NO MUSIC, NO PROPS, 2 MINUTES, YOUR ORIGINAL MATERIAL!

7:30PM The Phoenix, East Row, Canberra.

BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT! @ The Phoenix, 730PM Wednesday 18 May

MAN FORCED TO EAT BEARD

Having survived the arrival and departure of Power Girl and a tired looking Superman BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT! is back for another May edition of POETRY.

Yes another MAY edition

And yes,

POETRY.

That means we want your words on the stage at the Phoenix for TWO WHOLE MINUTES, or less.

It doesn’t actually have to be poetry;

we won’t judge what it is or what it is worth.

That’s why we have judges.

Words on stage, your words, that’s what we want.

So bring your beards to

the MAY edition of Bad!Slam!No!Biscuit! featuring:

JOSH INMANIA

He’s a poet!

And the ambulations of

PABLO!

He’s an entertainer specatculair (that’s French)

So for glory, kransky, action figures, gift vouchers, crappy books, maybe carrots, the MASTER OF CONFLICT, the SCORE ADDER and a chance to tell it how you see it and hopefully leave us all confused and none-the-wiser about how you tried to make us eat your underwear, join us for BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT!.

THAT IS BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT! AT THE PHOENIX

730pm sign-up, words start at 8pm, four or more first prizes, no props – which means Wheet Bix and custard on stage disqualify you! – an audience for you, no music, judges for your drinking pleasure and two minutes of original material by you on stage!